Great Peace in the Storm

On May 18th Grant and I celebrated the wonderful news that our family would be expanding.  And then less than one month later, on June 6th we found out we had lost the baby.

One in five pregnancies end in a miscarriage - one in five!  When we were pregnant with Laura we thought - oh, I'm so glad that's a low number; we really won't have to even think about those things.  But now that we are on the other end of that statistic we realize just how big of a number that truly is.

In just a few short weeks we had already started discussing plans.  What would my work look like?  Where will the nursery go this time?  We need to potty train LB, get her in a big bed and lose the paci all before the new baby arrives.  I'm a planner at heart, so in no time my mind was off to the races.  And going from "Cloud Nine" to the loss and grieving of a baby and what could have been does a complete 180 on your emotions and everything you are moving towards.

But I am writing today to say that God is still good. 

One week ago today I woke up on Saturday morning with a vivid dream.  In my dream I look down to find in my hand two drops of blood.  I know that it's my own.  And that the blood is from the baby.  Even today I can still see this image crystal clear.  I had never put much thought into dreams, but this one I could not shake.  God was beginning to prepare me for what was to come.

I cramped all day Saturday and woke up with even worse cramps Sunday morning.  And as soon as I got up the bleeding began.  It was difficult to not let my mind "go there".  My body was telling me one thing and my heart and soul were begging for the opposite.  Overcome with emotion, I sat in a chair in our den and wept.  My wonderful husband came over and immediately started to pray.  Through all the tears and sobs, I suddenly felt someone climbing up into the chair with me.  My sweet baby girl knew something was wrong.  Coming to comfort me, she crawled into my lap and gave me a kiss on the lips.  So innocent and sweet is the love of a child; I was now crying with a smile on my face.

As the day progressed my prayers changed from God, please save and protect this baby to God, I want your will for this baby, your will is my will Lord.

"Perfect love cast out all fear" - text from a friend.

We did talk with the doctor on call Sunday morning, who at the time didn't see any big reason for concern.  There had been no big clots.  I wasn't bleeding very heavily.  So, I was supposed to just keep a watch on it all and if the bleeding continued to go in for an ultrasound on Monday.  The bleeding did continue and the cramps intensified.

"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens" Psalm 68:19 - text from a friend.

Monday morning I knew that something wasn't right.  We got in mid-morning for an ultrasound.  The nurse could see immediately that there was no baby.  As a follow up, they sent me to have lab work done.  The next step was to test my hormone levels.  Your hormones are constantly doubling when you are pregnant and if I were pregnant and at 7 weeks I should register over 6,000.  After a long wait we found out that my hormones were only at 300.  Finally all the pieces were coming together for us to get some definite answers.  There was a baby at some point, but a miscarriage was definitely happening and still happening. 

"this too shall pass" - text from a friend.

The doctor gave us some comfort when he told us that this is why there are so many healthy, normal babies born.  That 1 in 5 statistic is real. 

I'm not mad.  I'm not devastated.  I am sad, only because we do want more children and that time isn't right now.  I do not understand it fully.  And I'm not trying to.  I trust that God knows and understands the situation fully and that is good enough for me.

Immediately we were surrounded with love from family and friends.  Caring for LB at a moment's notice; cooking us meals; diet cokes and chocolate; prayers, texts and phone calls and people to simply listen when I just needed to say it out loud.  Grant and I have been overwhelmed completely.  And I know that each prayer was heard, because through such a terrible storm there was a calm in our house and in our hearts.  The rallying of support was so powerful that it touched me in my soul and I hope I never forget it.

God has given me several lessons through this experience.  First, life is a miracle.  A pregnancy, a newborn, my toddler, my husband, my friends and family, myself - we are all miracles.  And life should be approached with respect, awe and wonder.  A life is precious and fragile all at the same time.  And that applies to all people we are in contact with.

My second lesson learned is that my ultimate trust must be in God at all times.  I trust Him now and I trust Him with my future and with that comes great peace.